“I just didn’t want to be here anymore”

Arsenal supporter Paul was in the crowd when we won at Tottenham earlier this season – and he knows that in any crowd, however jubilant, there may be people who are struggling like he was before he found James’ Place, a charity that offers life-saving help for men in suicidal crisis.

Here, Paul, who is 58, tells the powerful story of how James’ Place, which has received funding from The Arsenal Foundation, pulled him back from the brink and helped him towards a brighter future – and why this club is so important to his journey.

“I first came to The Arsenal in March 1978 and this club has always been my only real passion. I go every first team and many Academy games. Since Covid a friend and I have been chipping away at the 92 – the EFL Trophy has been a fantastic help with this and I’m now on 76. I’m now left with some difficult, far-flung ones but I’m determined to get there in the next 18 months. 

“It’s been quite a journey to James’ Place. I got to the point where I just felt all I’d ever done was mess things up and I should be so much more than I am. I felt I’d squandered every opportunity that came my way and left a trail of wreckage behind me. I felt I’d hurt people who didn’t deserve it and spent my life wasting my potential. I’ve suffered from every addiction on the way and always been awful with money. 

“A long bout of ill health left me with permanent conditions. I had lost seven stone in 2018 but had put it all back on. I was a failure. I just felt I’d had enough. There is love in my life from my partner and my kids – who are all adults now – but that oddly made me more determined. I felt I was a burden and an embarrassment and they could all get on with their lives better if I wasn’t around. 

“I planned to end my life after my daughter’s wedding. I set a date, place and time and even started to get my affairs in order in preparation. Saying this now, it all seems so trivial and stupid but this would not have been a cry for help. I just didn’t want to be here anymore. I used to thrive on the pressure I put myself under, however the thought of lurching from one drama or crisis to the next as I was nearing my sixties just made me want to give up.

“I didn’t feel depressed per se. I just didn’t feel like me anymore. I’d made my plan and was comfortable with it. I went to my doctor about something else and this is where I struck lucky. Because she knows me and my issues, she said I didn’t appear or sound like the person she knew and asked what was going on. I told her how I was feeling and she said she would get in touch with somewhere so I should expect a call. 

“The next day MIND called me for a phone consultation. At the end of the call, they said they wanted to refer me to James’ Place. I do appreciate that I was very fortunate to have a GP who took the time and cared, and I know for some that isn’t an option. But again, there is help there – you just need to understand that you can’t wake up every day hating yourself. You must seek help and reach out. My life started again that day and without that initial episode I wouldn’t be here today. 

“I was referred to James’ Place for an initial assessment. The lady I spoke to over the phone was so kind and patient that I was immediately made to feel like they wanted to help. I was given an appointment and mulled over whether I would go. I had been referred to counselling for addictions over the years – although my last sessions were over 15 years ago – and it had left me with more questions than answers. I never felt any connection with any of my counsellors. At that time, I was more stubborn and headstrong and hadn’t felt I could be helped. I suppose that’s why many years later I’d ended up like this. 

“I thought I had nothing lose so went along and even the premises were amazing. So calming and welcoming. The whole experience of my first visit was all positive. I met my counsellor and was taken into a comfortable room where I was immediately at ease. 

“Having said that, I know at first I was hostile and, because my barriers were up, I was probably quite difficult to get through to. I had the attitude that people like me do not need help like this. It’s for a different breed of people who don’t have a ‘“stiff upper lip”. People like me just get on with it – it’s how we were raised.

“Despite the turmoil I was in, I didn’t want to let her in, and it wasn’t until the third session that I really felt I had a friend who was 100 per cent on my side. She unpicked so many aspects of my issues that I struggled with, events I felt guilt over, wrong decisions I’d made that had impacted on me and others, and showed me it was not how I had remembered it. There was mitigation in my actions, and I saw that we are who we are moulded to be. We follow a path that we don’t always set out for ourselves and that the bad decisions were not all down to me – I had it down that they were, and they really weren’t. 

“She didn’t excuse mistakes I had made, but she did help me understand why I’d made them at the time. It really was a revelation. Events and memories I’d always struggled with suddenly became clear. Ultimately, I had so much to be grateful for. I had so much to live for. I had built a career and had a great relationship with my partner and children. I had lots of good friends. I’m not clever enough to put into words what Anja, my therapist, did for me. I can’t write enough to convey what went on in those eight weeks – all I can say is the way she coaxed the poison out of me and made me better was remarkable. 

“I know that sounds a bit overblown but there were things I had never thought about or seen the way she made me think and see them. She made me feel like an asset and not a walking disaster zone. If you met me, you’d think I’m confident and outgoing, but I’m not. I’d always been ill at ease with myself and, while that has not completely gone, I’m 180 degrees away from where I was. 

“I am a different person. There is still so much to see and do and although there are dark days still – everybody has them I guess – there are no thoughts of not wanting to be here and nothing that seems insurmountable. I never really planned long term, but now I see a value in order and routine and how calming this can be. Plotting a route for the future and doing all you can to achieve goals and ambitions is much better for the soul than constant chaos and feeling like you’re being swept along. First and foremost is finding respect for yourself and your worth, and this is the overriding conclusion I took from my time with James’ Place. I cannot thank them enough for the help they gave me. 

“My hopes for the future are to be a better boss, partner, dad and friend; to make sure I listen and think, and not just act on emotion or impulse. Finish the 92. Do Vietnam from top to bottom, go to South America on a football odyssey: see Colo Colo in Chile, go to a few games in Argentina and finish with Penarol in Uruguay. That’s enough for the minute. And to be kinder to myself. 

“Football brings people together. Almost all my friends I have now I’ve met at Arsenal since the age of 14. My job, until recently the flat I rented, the whole of my life really, all comes out of my journey with Arsenal and those brothers I have met on the way. It runs through every aspect of my life. 

“I know players are aware of the impact they can have on everyday folks’ lives and I’m sure they hold that dear. I know Arsenal make sure they do. It’s not just about going to the match on a Saturday – or Friday, or Monday – and using up all your leave on European and midweek trips to faraway places. Arsenal is in everything I do; it is at my core. Arsenal has always been a cornerstone of the community, and I am aware of the effort they put into keeping things that way. A lot has changed since I was buying pencil cases for school from Jack Kelsey in the club shop, but I firmly believe we still do things the right way.” 

To get support, for more information, to read more incredible stories or to donate, visit jamesplace.org.uk. If you need help, text SHOUT to 85258, call the Samaritans on 116123 or the NHS on 111, or head to your local A&E department.